and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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