I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
