i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
