do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
