just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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