I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
