would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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