when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
