i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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