How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
They have beer where we have blood.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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