I could have mohawked her pubes.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
