this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
