is your mom at the bar?
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
