I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
