you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
