Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
