dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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