I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
