I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
