I feel great
I just peed on a car
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
