his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
