If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
