It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
