Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
