I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
