Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
