I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
