Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
