I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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