The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
