Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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