My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
