How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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