btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
