I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
