It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
