I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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