so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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