if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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