he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
