Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
