I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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