Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Oh god it's open bar.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
