guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
