why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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