On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
