if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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