god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
