I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
