You made me cry and you don't even care
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
