Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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