At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
